Passive-Aggressive Behavior

What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. During World War II, when soldiers wouldn’t follow officers’ orders, experts described them as “passive-aggressive.” A new term back then, but still relevant today.

Someone who uses passive aggression may feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but they act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. They then find indirect ways to show how they really feel.

Passive aggression isn’t a mental illness. But people with mental health conditions may act that way. Passive aggression could damage your personal and professional relationships.

Signs

When someone uses passive aggression, they might say one thing, like “Sure, I’d be happy to!” and do another, like brood and complain while completing the task.

They might also do something that seems kind on the surface but is opposite to another person’s wishes. For example, if you tell a co-worker you’re trying to lose weight, a passive-aggressive colleague might bring you a cake the next day.

Some red flags that someone you know is being passive-aggressive:

• Resents or outright opposes the instructions of others, though they may still do what they’re told
• Delays finishing a task that someone else requested or makes intentional mistakes
• Has a sarcastic or argumentative attitude
• Routinely complains about feeling underappreciated
• Criticizes others

Causes

Anger, frustration, and displeasure are normal emotions. People who rely on passive aggression rather than direct communication to show these emotions often grew up in a family where that behavior was common. It might not have felt safe for them to directly express their feelings as a child.

But people can also pick up this behavior as adults. They may act this way because it helps them get what they want. They may do it to avoid confrontation. Many people are only passive-aggressive in some situations — for example, at work — but not in others. Researchers also link passive-aggressive behavior to:

• Anxiety disorders
• ADHD
• Depression
• Substance abuse
• Personality disorders

Management

Many people don’t realize that they’re being passive-aggressive. The behavior may feel “normal” to them. Or they might think it’s the best way to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or to prevent something bad from happening, like losing their job.

Everyone can behave passive aggressively from time to time. But if it’s a pattern, that’s when it’s a problem. If the passive aggression of a friend, family member, or colleague is troubling you, try being direct about what you want or need without labeling their behavior as “passive-aggressive.”

Using “I” statements can be helpful. For example, “I don’t like it when you regularly show up for meetings late. It makes me feel like this isn’t important to you. Would you please try to be on time going forward?” Sometimes, behaving assertively can show the other person how to behave that way, too.

You may have to keep telling a passive-aggressive person your needs before you see an improvement in the way they act. If the behavior doesn’t change, consider getting the advice of a therapist. A therapist can help you understand ways you may be contributing to the situation. They can give you communication skills to improve future interactions. They can also help you decide if it’s time to step away from the relationship.

If you believe that your behavior may be passive-aggressive, also see a therapist. They can help you learn to be assertive and improve your relationships.

Treatment

You may be referred to a therapist or other mental health professional for counseling. A therapist can help you identify passive-aggressive behavior and teach you how to change your behavior.

They can also help you work through anger, resentment, or low self-esteem issues that may be contributing to your passive-aggressive behavior. They may even teach you effective coping strategies, including how to look at a situation objectively and how to solve problems in a healthy way.

Assertiveness training can also help you manage passive-aggressive behavior. These courses teach you how to express your thoughts and concerns effectively. This can help reduce negative behaviors caused by underlying anger and frustration.

There are also some easy things you can do everyday to eliminate your passive-aggressive behavior. These include:

• being aware of your behavior
• identifying possible reasons for your passive-aggressive behavior
• thinking clearly before you act
• taking a break before reacting to situations that make you upset
• staying optimistic
• being honest with others and expressing your feelings in a healthy way

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior

While it can be challenging to eliminate passive-aggressive behavior, especially if you developed the behaviors in childhood, you can work through it.

Seeing a therapist for counseling can be helpful, as can changing the way you think every day. Remember that you are in charge of your behavior and you can change it at any time.