What Is Peter Pan Syndrome?

Men who exhibit persistent patterns of emotionally immature responses and behavior are sometimes said to have “Peter Pan syndrome.” The term was popularized by a psychologist named Dan Kiley, who published a book in 1983 titled, “The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up.”

While it provides a way to organize and discuss the characteristics and behaviors of people who are emotionally immature, Peter Pan syndrome is not an official psychiatric diagnosis. It does not appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) and is not recognized by the World Health Organization (WHO).

We all know the story of Peter Pan. He is a boy who never wants to get older, and he lives in Neverland, where he stays young forever. Though the character might be fictional, Peter Pan Syndrome is real. While the term is often applied to men, Peter Pan syndrome can affect women as well, and if you are dealing with this syndrome, you can learn what the causes are and how to overcome it.

The “Peter Pan” Label

It’s important to understand what you really mean when you describe someone as having Peter Pan syndrome:

• Are you frustrated by what you perceive as his apparent lack of emotional, social, and mental development?
• Do you feel that certain attributes that initially attracted you to your partner and that you used to love (such as a laid-back and fun-loving personality) are now causing difficulties in your relationship?
• Do you sometimes feel like you are talking to a teenager rather than a grown-up when you attempt to engage them in a discussion?
• Is their behavior immature, irresponsible, and unreliable?
• In response to their behavior, do you feel that you have to work extra hard to compensate or even cover up for them?

Why the Label Is Harmful

No one should be reduced to labels—especially hurtful name-calling. When you are feeling frustrated by your spouse’s behavior, hurtful phrases might slip out when you are expressing your exasperation to a confidant.

When you confront your spouse, you might be tempted to resort to using this term as you try to explain behavior that you don’t understand, appreciate, or find problematic. But using this term is not likely to help you have a productive conversation.

For one, it’s vague and might be interpreted by your partner in a way other than what you intend. It could also make your partner feel angry or hurt. They might get defensive or shut down the conversation completely.

If you want to have a talk with your partner about their behavior and how you feel it is affecting your relationship, you will need to be direct. You will need to give concrete examples rather than vague generalizations.

Signs of Immaturity

You might recognize some common immature behaviors in your male partner, but these behaviors are not specific to men. These signs can appear in any adult who has not reached a certain level of emotional maturity.

They Lack Boundaries With Their Parents

People who are emotionally immature sometimes have intense and dysfunctional relationships with their parents. For men, this can include how they relate to their mothers.

The unhealthy dynamic usually starts in childhood and is sometimes referred to as enmeshment. When a man is enmeshed with his mother, he might continue to rely on her to meet his emotional, social, practical, and financial needs (even when he is in a partnered adult relationship).

They Have Not Had Mature Relationships

If you have discussed prior relationships with your partner, you might have noticed that they tend to speak poorly of people they have been in relationships with (be it friendships or romantic and sexual partners).

Instead of taking responsibility for their actions or behaviors that might have caused problems or ended a previous relationship, a person who is immature is more likely to blame others.

People who lack emotional maturity tend to see and present themselves as always being an innocent victim.

Their Friends Are Immature

An immature person might prefer to spend time with others who also lack emotional maturity, as these individuals are less likely to question, criticize, or challenge their behavior.

You might find that you dislike many of your partner’s friends because of how they behave. You might even consider these friends to be a “bad influence” or worry that they are stoking your partner’s immature behavior.

When you and your partner are socializing with other adults (such as going out with friends, having a family gathering, or attending a work function), their behavior might embarrass you or even anger you. You might feel the need to explain or apologize for their misbehavior.

They Can’t Keep a Job

It’s not uncommon for people who are immature emotionally to struggle with getting or holding down a job. They might have been fired from a string of jobs because of poor work performance, absenteeism, interpersonal problems with their co-workers or boss, substance use, or even behaviors like stealing.

If a person has enabling parents, family, or friends who support them financially well into adulthood, they might be able to continue to avoid work.

They Lack Healthy Ways to Cope With Stress

People who are immature often don’t have healthy ways to cope with stress. They might use certain activities to avoid their feelings, responsibilities, or anything else that causes them stress.

An emotionally mature adult might take up a stress-relieving hobby, confide in a friend over coffee, work with a therapist, or use exercise to relieve stress. Someone who is immature might develop an addiction to an activity that promotes avoidance and escapism, such as video games.

Their Relationship With Substances Is Unhealthy

Anyone can develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol or other substances, but emotional immaturity might play a role in substance misuse and addiction for some people.

Someone who is using drugs or alcohol irresponsibly may not know or care about the potential dangers. They might not be aware of (or fail to consider) the potential consequences of their actions on themselves and those around them.

An immature person with Peter Pan syndrome might even try to justify their irresponsible behavior (for example, by emailing you a questionable research study on the safety or benefits of taking an illicit drug after you express concern).

When they are unable to justify or back up their behavior when you call them out on it, an immature person might attack you. For example, if you express concern about your partner’s binge drinking, they might accuse you of being “uptight” and unable to relax and have fun.

They Don’t (or Won’t) Help Around the House

Someone who is immature might lack a sense of responsibility for some of the more mundane aspects of adult life, like paying the bills or household tasks.

They might refuse to help with any of the cooking, cleaning, or laundry. If asked to help with chores, an immature person might respond petulantly. They might need to be bribed or demand compensation for performing tasks that are simply a routine part of keeping a home and functioning as a responsible adult.

Someone who is emotionally immature may also lack an awareness of the need for self-care. Their partner might need to remind them to brush their teeth, shave, or shower.

They might need to be made aware of what constitutes appropriate attire for social occasions or events. Their partner might need to tell them what to wear or even put out clothes for them.

They Don’t Express Emotions Appropriately

People who lack emotional maturity often do not have good insight into themselves or their behavior. They might not believe or will refuse to see that their behavior is dysfunctional or unhealthy.

A person who lacks maturity might have a hard time explaining how they feel. They might struggle to problem-solve when faced with challenges.

An emotionally immature person may frequently complain, whine, and insist that they are being treated unfairly. They can be petty and may “keep score” when it comes to arguments.

At times, a person who is immature may go so far as to throw tantrums—particularly when they feel that they are being slighted, blamed, or “called out” in some way.

Men who expect to be or feel entitled to being treated a certain way by their partner might “act out” if they feel that their needs have not been met or have been ignored.

Emotionally immature men who are parents might even feel threatened by their own children. For example, a man might be upset if his partner prioritizes the kids’ needs before his (a behavior that is also common in narcissistic parents).

The Cause Of Peter Pan Syndrome

It’s hard to tell what exactly would cause someone to want to avoid responsibilities on this great scale, but there are a few theories, which will be outlined below.

A Spoiled Childhood. We all know someone whose parents never said “no.” They may have never disciplined their child or taught them any life skills, and when they became adults, the parents still coddled them. While children should have a childhood to call their own, being too spoiled can lead to not wanting to take responsibility. The sudden shift from having everything done for you to have to work and pay bills is jarring for many people. Instead of gradually being introduced to adult concepts, there were no dipping toes in the pool for this person, and avoidance coupled with enabling from others keeps this person from transitioning into a functioning adult.

An Abusive Childhood. On the other end of the spectrum, someone who was abused as a child may feel like they need to “catch up” on their childhood once they become an adult. They’re away from their parents and can do whatever they want, so they may regress into a child to feel safe. Perhaps the most famous example is the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. He lived an abusive childhood and was forced to be a star. As he grew up, he wanted to regress into the role of a child. He named his estate the Neverland Ranch, and it wasn’t unheard of for him to dress up as Peter Pan.

Yearning For Nostalgia. Feeling nostalgic for your childhood is a trait shared by many people- not just those who have Peter Pan Syndrome. There is something comforting in remembering and wanting things from when you were growing up. However, someone with Peter Pan Syndrome can become obsessed with this feeling. You can’t use social media without seeing post after post about how everything was better when you were a child. They promote shows, music, and games from that era, and many people discuss how society has changed for the worse. It’s okay to be nostalgic, but when you’re spending your time looking back too much on the past, you may not see what’s ahead of you or fear embracing the changes in the world.

Economic Hopelessness. Not everyone gets to have the best job in the world, but in recent years, jobs and their paychecks seem to be taking their toll on those in the workforce. Workers are faced with long hours, little pay, and the inability to reach and progress towards life goals. If one cannot progress, they may instead regress. They need an escape from their lives and their realities. Escapism can be a good thing, but when you’re not taking any responsibilities, it can become a huge problem.

Adult Skills Not Being Taught. You may have heard the term “adulting” before. This is a term used to describe basic adult skills and adult trials. Examples of this include making your own doctor’s appointment, doing your taxes, and paying your bills. The term is mostly used ironically, but some people are serious about it. In today’s world, it’s easy to see why. Many schools don’t teach adult skills. Another joke that occurs is how a person wasn’t taught to do their taxes or apply for a mortgage, but they know that mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. While learning science is important, many schools seem to forget about teaching kids how to become productive members of society. Because people feel ill-equipped to be an adult and see themselves as lacking these skills, some choose instead to not take on adult responsibilities.

These are just a few reasons why Peter Pan Syndrome may occur. As we said, this isn’t an officially recognized disorder, so it’s all speculative.

How To Help Someone with Peter Pan Syndrome

If a person is hardwired to be childlike, it may be difficult for them to grow up. However, there are a few ways to help them move in the right direction.

• Stop enabling the person. Do not give them handouts or support unless they support you back.
• Gradually introduce adult concepts. For example, when it comes to a job, have them apply for an easy job and then move on up.
• Remove distractions from their life. While distractions are good in moderation, you don’t want someone with Peter Pan Syndrome to constantly spend their time on social media or playing video games instead of taking responsibility.

The bottom line

Peter Pan syndrome is more of a set of behaviors than an official diagnosis. While it’s typically associated with males, it can apply to anyone.

If you feel like your partner exhibits these behaviors, all you can do is clarify your needs and goals. From that point, it’s your choice whether to take them as they are.