What Is Triangulation in Psychology?

Triangulation is a tactic used to manipulate an interaction between two people who are not communicating directly with one another. It is problematic because a third person becomes involved in a situation that should be between the two individuals involved in the conflict. This is a strategy that emotionally unstable people can use to manipulate a situation. It is an unhealthy tactic and can generate toxicity and additional, unnecessary negativity in relationships.

It can become a chronic process for individuals that are inclined to be manipulative in order to get their way or pin people against one another. Triangulation is often attempt for people to try and control a situation and seek benefit from it. It brings complications and confusion because too many people get involved, increasing the risks for the occurrence of harmful behaviors.

Signs of Triangulation 

Triangulation is an approach used by many different people who share one thing in common: insecurity. As a result, they’re willing to manipulate others in harmful ways to get what they want or feel a sense of security in a relationship. 

It’s a highly effective strategy to earn an advantage over noted rivals by manipulating them into conflicts between one another. Triangulation is a method used by selfish individuals to comfort and protect their egos. 

Typically, there’s limited to no communication between the two triangulated people except through the person doing the manipulating. It may appear in various ways, but all are about dividing and conquering or putting people against each other. 

The Roles in Triangulation

As the name suggests, there are three individuals involved in triangulation. It’s useful to understand the roles played by each of them in this process.

• The Victim: A individual that demonstrates a “poor me” attitude. The victim creates the triangle in which they are the person suffering. They make it clear to the others that they are the victim in the scenario.
• The Persecutor: An individual that is the aggressor toward the victim in the triangle.
• The Rescuer: A person either within the created triangle or brought in from outside of the triangle, serving as a rescuer. This is someone who is considered to save the day. 

Triangulation can occur in a variety of relationship types. It can occur in families, between siblings, or one parent and a child can form an alliance against the other parent. It also can happen in friendships, when one person’s feelings are hurt and a third party is brought in for perceived support or understanding. The process of triangulation can lead to challenges and dysfunctional exchanges in relationships. It can create stress, confusion, and anxiety for those involved.

Examples

If a parent refuses to acknowledge their children’s personality and individualism, and at the same time, siblings are treated very differently and discouraged from communicating with one another except through the parent, it’s triangulation. 

Similarly, if a partner or friend uses another person to create a hostile environment, create drama, or pressure you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise do, this is triangulation. Individuals also use triangulation to bring another person into a relationship or friendship without confronting the person they have an issue with directly. 

Some people with Cluster B personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder, tend to view or judge themselves in relation to their level of competition with others.

This competitive or “win-lose” attitude can occasionally turn malicious. Ultimately, it can lead a person with a personality disorder to seek ways to undermine or manipulate someone they view as a potential threat. 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Bipolar Disorder (BPD)

Let’s examine how some people with NPD and BPD use triangulation since it’s commonly found in these two disorders. 

How Do People With NPD Use Triangulation

Some people with narcissistic personality disorder may use triangulation to increase their feelings of supremacy, secure their self-esteem, and devalue other people while keeping potential competitors off-balance.² They aren’t that different from the kids who use it to help navigate middle and high school status wars. 

How Do People With BPD Use Triangulation

People with borderline personality disorder focus on receiving reassurance that they are loved to avoid feelings of abandonment. They may use triangulation to manipulate someone to feel jealous to prove their love and commitment to them.

Triangulation in Relationships

Triangulation can come in various dynamics. First, let’s take a look at how triangulation shows up in family dynamics and romantic relationships.

The Golden Child-Scapegoat Family Dynamic

Within a dysfunctional family unit, the unhealthy, toxic, and often selfish caregiver splits their moral self-image and inferior self-image into two distinct parts projected onto their kids. As a result, one child becomes the golden child who can do no wrong, while the other becomes the scapegoat. 

The golden child is idealized and can do no wrong. The scapegoat, however, is devalued and can only do wrong. These projections may differ over time and change depending on how the caregiver feels about the child at the time.

Triangulation in Romantic Partnerships

In a romantic relationship, the manipulator will often bring another person into their intimate relationship to create friction, confusion, and jealousy. However, the individual usually enjoys the attention, whether negative or positive, and may even let the triangulated individuals know about one another so that they can fight for attention. 

Sometimes, the triangulated individuals don’t even know that they’re being used to manipulate others, or only one of them may be aware. Worse still, a narcissistically inclined person may triangulate someone they are no longer in contact with to control those they are in touch with. 

In the family variant of triangulation, splitting and projection also occur. The new partner or friend is idealized as perfect, whereas the previous person in that position is seen as entirely flawed. The person who is idealized or devalued is entirely subjective and depends on the manipulator.

Impact of Triangulation 

When someone experiences triangulation, they may fear what other people think and feel humiliated, concerned, and self-protective. 

You might feel the need to set the record straight, or you may even want to confront the other people involved. However, by doing so, you allow the perpetrator to win. Sometimes, they’re hoping for this kind of reaction, hoping that you’ll lose control and act out in impulse and fear. 

This type of partnership can temporarily alleviate the stress of the situation. However, it can also be risky because it results in dysfunctional patterns and cycles within the relationship, especially if reinforced over multiple occasions. Over time, it creates a messy situation that will often lead to even more hurt feelings or misunderstandings. 

Why Do People Engage in Triangulation?

People are often seeking an alliance with someone to support their position. Individuals are drawn to connection and tribes, especially when they are faced with a challenge. They want to be understood and validated, so they may seek out this affirmation through manipulating people in order to get them on their “side.”

Such tactics are utilized more by people who are insecure, emotionally immature, or easily intimidated. Triangulating may feel good at the moment, yet it can be difficult to break the triangulation cycle. Once it is in place, it can get reinforced in an unhealthy way, creating more complicating and polarizing behaviors in the relationships.

How to Avoid Triangulation?

Gaining awareness of these potential dynamics is critical. If you feel the need to reach out and call someone when you are in a contentious situation, pause first. Try not to bring in additional parties when you feel you have been wronged. Watch for a tendency to replay victim-like thoughts. If you catch yourself feeling like the victim, take inventory and try to re-direct. Keep as few people as possible in the conversation. Try not to have side conversations, yet communicate directly with the person. 

Learning assertive communication skills can help reduce the risk of triangulation. Consider practicing techniques to tactfully say what you mean and mean what you say, even if you have feelings of discomfort while doing so. Gaining confidence in sharing your feelings with people can be helpful and lead to healthy conflict resolution.

Coping With Triangulation 

When dealing with triangulation, it’s essential to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the provoking or baiting person. Remember, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission.

Here are a few things you shouldn’t do:

• Don’t respond quickly to surprising news.
• Take a step back and consider the facts.
• Try your best not to lose your temper or lose control of your feelings. While you can’t control other people, you always have control over your own words and responses, and that is where you’ll always have power.
• Don’t make promises, commitments, or contracts that’ll only hurt your relationship with people whom you trust and love. No one who truly loves you will want to take healthy, supportive, positive relationships away from you. 

Here are a few things you should do:

• Clarify anything you are told before acting on it.
• Stay in touch with loved and trusted ones In your life, and tell them about any problems or issues that arise.
• Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work, and leisure time.
• Remove yourself from a conversation if you sense it turning into an unhealthy or dysfunctional one.
• Maintain your self-control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you will not be manipulated like that.

Healthy communication requires openness and authenticity and working to resolve conflicts rather than creating them. The most potent way of dealing with these situations is to take a step back, accurately evaluate what is happening, and act accordingly.

If you feel that you or a loved one could benefit from additional support, reach out to a qualified mental health professional. They can help you navigate your relationships involving triangulation.